Boundaries are limits we set to protect our time, energy, and emotional wellbeing. They’re not selfish — they’re necessary for sustainable relationships and good mental health. Yet many of us struggle to set and maintain them.
Why Boundaries Matter
Without boundaries:
- You may feel resentful, drained, or overwhelmed
- Others may unknowingly (or knowingly) take advantage
- Your needs consistently come last
- Relationships become unbalanced
With healthy boundaries:
- You have energy for what matters most
- Relationships are more honest and sustainable
- You model self-respect for others
- Your mental health improves
Types of Boundaries
Physical
Your personal space, body, and physical needs. Example: “I need you to knock before entering my room.”
Emotional
Protecting your feelings and emotional energy. Example: “I can’t be your only support person. I need you to also talk to a therapist.”
Time
How you spend your hours and energy. Example: “I’m not available for work calls after 6pm.”
Material
Your belongings and resources. Example: “I’m not comfortable lending money.”
Digital
Your online presence and availability. Example: “I don’t check work email on weekends.”
How to Set Boundaries
1. Know Your Limits
Pay attention to feelings of resentment, exhaustion, or discomfort. These signal where boundaries are needed.
2. Be Clear and Direct
State boundaries simply without over-explaining or apologizing.
- Instead of: “I’m so sorry, I just really can’t, I wish I could, but…”
- Try: “That doesn’t work for me.”
3. Use “I” Statements
Focus on your needs rather than criticizing others.
- “I need quiet time in the evenings” vs. “You’re always bothering me”
4. Be Consistent
Boundaries only work if you maintain them. Inconsistency teaches others they can push back.
5. Accept Discomfort
Setting boundaries often feels uncomfortable at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
Common Challenges
”But they’ll be upset”
They might be. You can be kind and still firm. Their feelings about your boundary are their responsibility.
”I feel guilty”
Guilt is common when you start setting boundaries, especially if you weren’t taught this skill. It often fades with practice.
”They don’t respect my boundary”
You can’t control others, but you can control your response. Boundaries may require consequences to be effective.
”I don’t know what I need”
Start noticing when you feel resentful, drained, or uncomfortable. These feelings point toward needed boundaries.
Boundaries in Practice
With family: “I love you and I’m not willing to discuss my weight/relationship/career choices.”
At work: “I can take on this project if we move the deadline on the other one. Which is the priority?”
With friends: “I care about you, and I don’t have capacity to support you through this right now. Can we find other resources?”
With yourself: “I’m going to bed at 10pm even if I haven’t finished everything.”
Remember
Boundaries are an act of self-respect. They create the conditions for you to show up as your best self in relationships and in life